Monday, 14 May 2012

My mother

I lost my mother sometime last year.  A series of transient ischaemic attacks have destroyed part of her brain and taken away most of who she was, leaving a large, guileless child/woman in her place.  Someone who has lost the ability to care for herself and needs help with even the most basic tasks.

I mourn my mother, the lovely, warm, kind woman who was always there for me, who always understood my point of view and supported me in everything I did, all the choices I made, no matter how questionable.  I miss calling her to talk about my dilemmas, to tell her about her grandchildren and hear about her day, make plans to see her again soon.  I still see her, more than ever now I have moved her to a lovely nursing home nearby where I can keep a close eye on her, but the mother I had all my life has gone.

She was always there for me when I needed her, and now I need to be there for her now she really needs me.


  1. Marianne - I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother's company and care. Such a loss is a bereavement of sorts, I've been told, but without the associated rituals of grieving. I do hope you have found the support you need to manage this sadness.

  2. My Dad has the early stages of Alzheimer's.Growing up I was Daddies Girl and his sidekick.I miss those times and the young Dad I had.

    I feel your empty hole.

  3. I am so sorry.
    My Mum died before any of my kids were born, and I couldn't count the number of times I missed her and would have loved to be able to lift the phone to get her advice, so that part really hit home with me.
    What you're going through is really painful, take care. (((hugs))

  4. Hello Marianne - thank you for your kind words on my post today. I have been very moved to come over here and read your post. My mother had a brain tumour which ultimately caused her death 18 months ago. Prior to that, she became what my husband called, 'a changed woman', although I fought strenuously against seeing her that way. Strangely, although her last few years were very hard on all of us, I am also aware that we had some incredibly valuable family times together, thanks to (not despite of) her illness. I do pray that you will continue to be able to find good times with your mother, despite the necessary change in your relationship. I really appreciate the way you have written about her. Thank you.

  5. Dear Marianne, what a beautiful tribute to your mom, lovely... I still have my mom around but I miss her, as we are thousands of miles apart.
    I was so surprised to see you visit - your name sounded familiar, but had to read your profile to remember.;) It has has been a while, since I last visited you and my life has changes significantly since then. Nice to reconnect with you again.;)))

  6. Thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful comments.

  7. There's a curious symmetry, isn't there, between the beginning and end of life and the need to be cared for. I just hope I go swiftly and don't become a burden to anyone or an expensive consumer of end of life care that I won't be in a position to appreciate. Lovely post and I have great sympathy. I am sure your Mother loves you greatly and you her.

  8. I keep thinking that there must be some kind cosmic perfection in our situations. My mother is 92 this year. Every once in a while I see a flash of the strong, independent, kind woman I knew, but her struggles with the simplest tasks and her desire to die are heartbreaking. I think the perfection must be what it brings out in us daughters. Love is so much more than gushes of emotion and sweet words on mother's day cards. It's the small everyday deeds of support and care done with no possibility of reward. When the only choice is to be strong, caring, and responsible--those are the times we see how loving we can really be. You are a shining example.

  9. It's such a universal experience and something we all have to deal with eventually, the loss of our parents and how we cope with the challenges and changes it brings.
    I have been so moved by all your lovely comments and amazed at the thought and care that everyone has shown. Thank you. It means a great deal to me.


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