According to a recent newspaper report, daughters spend, on average, two months of their lives chatting to their mothers on the phone and speak several times a week. My first thought was 'is that all?'.
The mother/daughter relationship is one of the strongest bonds and possibly the most complex as we negotiate our differences. My mother was a huge and important part of my life and she was always the first person I would turn to. She was always on my mind and I miss her beyond words.
I don't have a daughter and my experience of being a mother to my grown-up sons is necessarily very different. I adore my boys and I know they love me deeply but they only phone if they have something specific to discuss, an arrangement to make. Other than that there is pretty much radio silence unless I initiate contact (which of course I do!).
So Mother's Day is bitter sweet - the day I miss my Mum the most and the day I miss being a mother the most too, as my sons are rarely able to be with me on the day, although I do try and arrange a get-together at some point in March, negotiating various birthdays, wedding anniversaries and other important commitments.
And these were my Mother's Day flowers, picked from our emerging Spring garden by my partner, a parent himself who understands the complex interweaving of love and sadness when the young have flown the nest and their lives have moved on.
Hello Marianne,
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautifully touching post. Although we have no children of our own, I can so well empathise with the bittersweetness of sons who have now left the parental home to forge their own independent lives. But what a marvellous job you must have done as a parent to make them so able to be happily confident to go their own ways.
And, what a delightful posy of Spring blooms you have piked. The garden at this time of year is so full of hope and promise, rather like the lives of your young offspring!
Hello Jane and Lance. My friends tell me I should have had at least one daughter... but my sons are lovely and loved. The Spring flowers here are so lovely and I adore very simple posies like this one.
ReplyDeleteHow thoughtful of your partner! As the mother of 3 daughters, I would say the newspaper report is wildly underestimating! My daughters all live nearby with their families, which is great, and we have a lot of contact, also great - but at times it can be a bit overwhelming, and difficult to distance yourself from their problems, whilst being supportive. So enjoy those sons! X
ReplyDeleteHe is sweet - he too struggles with his role in his family at times but being a man is more in tune with the male way of doing things. I do agree about the newspaper report underestimating contact between mothers and daughters from my own experience.
DeleteInteresting though what you say about your own family - I would love to see more of my boys but it seems that the other side of the coin has it's disadvantages too so that you for sharing that and I shall focus on enjoying the way things are!
My three daughters call and visit often, I get a short text or e-mail from my son about once a month. It is usually about something he wants. It seems this is universal.
ReplyDeleteHurray! It's not just me then! So funny. Thank you for that and enjoy your family x
DeleteI admired my mother greatly and we had a real bond especially in later life so I miss her.
ReplyDeleteI was very close to my natural son, but consciously decided to let him have his independence when he met his girlfriend and then married. He phones once a week and I have a friendly relationship with his wife rather than the usual daughter-in-law/mother-in-law one. Our adopted son has settled down with his own family in the south of England and we keep in touch by email. As you can imagine, I spend a lot of time with the two daughters who are single mothers.
It was lovely of your partner to pick a posy of flowers for you.
Families are never easy and straightforward, Linda. I am lucky that my boys don't seem to really need me, so I have a lot of freedom, but I do rather envy friends who see a lot of their families. The right balance is never easy to find but what matters in the end is the love that is shared!
DeleteI miss my mother too. We used to talk most days. I am glad I have a couple of great daughters who live nearby
ReplyDeleteThat's nice Jenny but I don't think the missing really goes away, you just get used to it. Enjoy your lovely daughters!
DeleteI wish I'd had the kind of relationship with my mom that might have made for comfortable visiting. Oddly, we did so much better in the years her cognition began failing and her sweetness of spirit overcame her tenseness. Now she's gone, and I miss her and I do my best to ensure my daughters and daughter-in-law and I have as good a relationship as we can -- so far, very good.
ReplyDeleteI have a GF who has 3 sons, and I really admire the way she's enjoying her daughters-in-law as daughters, building a close and nurturing relationship with them, despite some of the obvious hurdles that occasionally pop up. . .
We had a far from picture book relationship, but the love was always there, just as it is with me and my boys. As you say, all we can do it aim for the best possible relationships with those who are close to us and that is the thing to focus on.
DeleteThis was a potent blog for me. I miss my mother every day, even though I also know that the relationship we had (give them roots and give them wings) was a special one and one which has given me the strength to manage without her. It is still quite early days. The other day I found myself quite calmly thinking that I needed to talk to her about my father's declining condition and what to do next before realising that of course I couldn't. I have a son and a daughter and they are both marvellous and loving but there is no doubt that the phone rings more often from my daughter than from my son. Face to face there is no difference. I don't think men really do good phone.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely spot on Elizabeth - men do not do good phone, but the love is just as deep!
ReplyDeleteI hadn't really realised how much I am still grieving for my mother until someone asked me recently if I had considered some bereavement counselling. It goes deep and it takes a long time to absorb. Mothers are such a potent influence and leave a huge hole. I do hope you manage the situation with your father - difficult times!